Haven't been feeling stressed at all.
Haven't been afraid of anything lately.

Numb and empty. Its been a good lecture and a pretty light-hearted dinner but I'm back to this state again. I'm annoyed.

I haven't taken any pictures with the sr-sot dudes (KM, HJ, YJ, S, G) up till now. There's something about photos and memories, you know? & I don't think I ever will, even though we've been having dinner after lectures ever single month. I usually don't dare to ask.

Digressing, some classical videos made me miss my piano SO much, I had to play a few songs yesterday. Much to my disappointment, my sightreading skills have deproved (if there's such a word) so much. So much is an understatement. Still one of my biggest regrets for not continuing after g8 after sec 3, I was doing shit in school during sec 4 afterall...

(photo not taken by me, was too tired for photos)

Clocked 16 kilometers at will run today

I'm not sure if they count the 16th one since I overshot the 1h45min timing by around 4 minutes. But I'm sure I ran 16 and that's my personal target met. My legs now feel like overstretched rubberbands but it isn't a bad price to pay for that immense satisfaction.

This also proves that having your period during a run wouldn't affect anything (I did visit the toilet thrice though).


So I ran alone this year. It wasn't bad since I could go at my own pace but looking at people running together did remind me of how my life's been pretty quiet these days. Well, who's to complain? I chose to do it on my own anyway.

After my run, I went around looking for an empty spot to cheer some male friends on but there weren't any empty spots. So I ended up walking around the school again, with my friends in the canteen. Its funny how I took the excuse of wanting to "soak in the atmosphere" when all I wanted to was to do some shouting - but somewhere unnoticeable.

We went back after the run - no lunch, no talks, no nothing. Maybe the rest were chatting away or just lying together on a lazy afternoon. Who knows.



I can simply find no correlation between having the willpower to run and the willpower to study. The only reason I run is because I found out I was pretty good at long distance in primary school and I've never really failed at it. (nor was I too good) Can't compare me to the sport-loving ones, of course. I generally dislike sports besides running (I do it for the satisfaction).


There's class later so I'll make a move and stop feeling like this. Yes, roll your eyes at me for feeling so alone all the time but its really like that. Maybe I made it this way but..

...well I'll survive.

I miss blogging. With only time for a few sentences now, its impossible find inspiration and pen down my own thoughts. Maybe its because I'm too tired to think. Even my written journal which used to hold my even more personal thoughts is empty.

Sometimes, I think about how I'd rather be emo so I can at least write. (although the excessive feelings of sadness turned me into some whiny ass with words of nothing but stupidity the past two weeks. It was actually better before it got too excessive) But I shouldn't blame it on happiness entirely.


My classmate marked my AQ and wrote the comment "I understand that you keep writing the word understand". It might seem like a pretty normal statement but seeing how he normally doesn't speak AT ALL (I only heard his voice once or twice), that came alittle harsh. No, harsh isn't the word, just made it seem like he feels obviously superior to me.

They say the ones with the least words have the harshest ones.

The fact that I can suddenly get so extremely hyper after weeks (or months) of depressing thoughts amazes me. Its kind of scary.

The fact that I can suddenly get so extremely hyper after weeks (or months) of depressing thoughts amazes me. Its kind of scary.


All my previous posts from a month ago were filled with thoughts of hopelessness, loneliness/disability to communicate, bad memory, and escapism to the point of it being alittle suicidal... and basically I was ticking almost everything off numerous "depression" checklists. (check out all my previous posts)

Then came monday (onwards) where I basically spent the entire day acting like some weird nut everywhere. Nothing beats having me blabbering/singing non-stop for God knows how long... and I was too high to notice if anybody else was responding. More like I didn't care if they were, haha. And.. I kept hugging people, was extremely high on msn too.

..not like anybody really needs to know so I shan't list anything else.



You know how reading scares you unnecessarily sometimes? These symptoms remind me of typical behaviors of bipolar disorder patients (depression followed by hypomania, not mania in my case). It only seemed clearer after I wrote down these contradicting emotions, so I did some reading-up.

Well.. It makes me (and the others around me) happy when I'm like that anyway. No wait, Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness". Thanks alot, article.

Psychologists sometimes make too much deal out of things and give a term to even the mildest cases (sometimes misdiagnosis) but hey, it only means I'm fine since it's a mild case and I'm therefore more or less normal. Not like I'm not already aware of my contradicting personalities.

Excluding the part about me being weird when i'm high and totally emo when I'm not (where's the in-between?), I'm fine.

OhGod I hate it when I keep thinking people don't want to talk to me. I'm aware of my stupid, senseless insecurities yet I can't stop myself from thinking that way everysinglefreakingtime. Besides these, it's been a wonderful week (though its only tuesday), probably due to my extremely high mood. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM, I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM.

As if you all needed to know. Boring.

I feel happy for the first time in weeks. Genuinely happy

Don't know how long this happiness will last, so I thought I'd write this down in case I ever forget I was happy on 25th july 2010.


So I discovered I was upset because I felt useless and that nobody needed me at all, or wanted me by their side. Yeah, like a useless piece of shit nobody wanted to go near. I was convinced people talked to me just because they liked who I was, not who I am.

I get emotionally attached to people really easily and its hard to pull those strings off my chest. More so if I'm forced to do so.

I've also lifted a big rock off my chest by facing up to my fears the past few days. No longer so affected by little things now. Nah I'm just really glad we're talking as per normal again and it feels like its back to day 1 and not the pesky little emotions in between. Perhaps not entirely, but it'll be better.



The sad thing is that we realise our mistakes only after we've gone through entirely tough periods and survived the storm to see the rainbow and in this case, what caused the storm. Made me even more sure about how the only way to learn is through mistakes.

Come tomorrow, I should know what to do too.

Actually, I really want everybody I know to read this blog.

Because I'm really myself here.

Because I'm not too good at communicating with others. Being high is an exception, and its not a facade. I can get really crazy and blabber alot at times and I can be friendly, but most of the time I

This whole thing about people thinking everything is a "facade" annoys me. People can have different sides and its only natural.

This consciousness is masking me.

It makes me try too hard to be who I am because I hate it when I'm not me. However, trying too hard doesn't make me, me.

So... I'll try my best to relax and let things go naturally and drop every trace of consciousness in me. Because its suffocating me.

How to strike a balance between being totally ignorant and not being overly conscious? Ignorance is bliss? Yes? No?


The more I think about how people might dislike me for doing something, the more I'll end up doing it. The truth is.. there's just so much people are not comfortable about. They said it themselves.

I was the one who wanted to hear it though, so I will get over it. I'd rather people not stop themselves from saying things because they think it'll hurt your feelings. We're all able to handle our problems even if it takes time.

This only means I won't be blaming anyone for being honest with me, and you shouldn't feel bad either. I'll be fine.

Why I like things in groups of 3 or 4:

Hanging out in a group of more than 3 - 4 tires me out. Because I always tend to be the "outcast" when that happens. I outcast myself.


One-on-one conversations are only good if you are close enough to the person. That takes time even if two people are meant to be close, and the sad thing is two people can never be close sometimes.

When in threes, the third person can keep conversations going if you're too tired to talk but still want to spend time with the people.

In fours, it eliminates the idea of having an "odd one out", and having four is just awesome if you are all close to one another. "The more the merrier", to a certain extent.

Beyond that, it'll be taxing for me because its almost impossible for EVERYBODY in a group to be close to one another. Or if someone else gets close to someone I'm close to, it kills me because it makes me unable to talk to the person whenever I want to, or whenever she wants to. Normally, these situations make me silent and unable to talk, it shows on my face and people just forget about my presence after that. Which leads to sadness bla, bla, bla.



It kills me when I'm unable to spend quality time with people I know I can spend quality time with. Its like that: if you're always together, there are times where you won't want to speak so you don't have to speak. You only speak when both of you want to.

But when you don't get to speak to the person all the time, you'll want to grab the chance to when you have the time. Its normal to not have things to say all the time but now you just want to make full use of the time to talk.

My thoughts only come when they do. When there's nothing on my mind when I'm with the person I want to talk to, I'll just remain silent. Unless the person has got things to say to me.

It then kills me when its the person I want to talk to yet its not the right time.. but we don't always have chances to speak..



Maybe its just that I can't stand not having personal conversations with anybody for long periods of time. I don't understand why.

I know I don't want to live alone,
but I know I can't live with others.

Its so tiring because I can't look sad when I want to. (although I can't hide my emotions so no use knowing if its right or not. I'll end up looking sad even if I know it affects others' moods.)

Its tiring to live with people because I'm so odd and I like personal conversations. Sometimes you want to say something to someone, but you can't do it cause the entire group's there. Things I want to say never get off my mind until I actually say it.

Its impossible to feel close to everyone in a group but if you're in a small group the conversations can get more personal and genuine. People tend to be less real when they're not so close to a person. In this case, its not like putting on a facade or anything. Its just being too conscious, like i am now.


Please do not judge me for not being able to act like myself lately. By asking you to not judge me, I'm already being conscious..

and I haven't been able to speak to anybody at all...

Where have all my words gone to? Words for this blog, words for people, words for myself. Where? I've got no reason to not smile at all because its been rather good these two days :) Sort of.

My heart is going thump, thump, thump.

That is all for today. Goodnight. Or not.

Relax girl, relax.

I have special powers to make things awkward and that kind of reminds me of a random person who's supposed to rock at it but that's besides the point. Not proud of the special power though. & I should learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes. uh-huh. BAD.

Listen to others even if you've got alot to say. Don't ever let yourself deprive others of the chance to speak ever again.

Who I am makes me depressed all the time. I always say the wrong things, I upset people and I reflect and it makes me feel like a really horrible person. & I'm so horrible sensitive and emotional it gets me upset all the time. I've been a really horrible person today, I'm not sure how much my words have hurt others. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for being such a spoilt and irritating person who's quite oblivious to her surroundings.

I've come to a conclusion that I'm a terrible person because the more I be myself and say all my honest thoughts, the more irritated people will get. I'm really really sorry for being this way, it takes time to change (while being myself) and I hope I'll find a way to do it someday.

Right now, I'm wondering who actually doesn't mind talking to me, or who actually feels comfortable around me. Maybe none.

I also wonder why I'm such an extremely sensitive person. My emotions practically LEAK out of me, I can't stop myself from showing them.

I've been hating myself a little lately for being unable to express myself. Or rather, I haven't been trying to find out more about myself lately because I spent most of my time being depressed and affected by the environment around me. I feel so useless these days for losing myself. Maybe its come to the point where I'm beginning to know less and less about myself even if i try hard to. Such that a part of me gave up trying.

Written over verbal, anytime

Expressing myself through written words works much better than expressing myself verbally. Words get stuck in my throat when I try to speak even though I know half of what I'm thinking.

My thought processes come from writing them out, re-reading them and trying to think from a different viewpoint. Its as though my thoughts won't be complete until I write them down. This blog is the first place I turn to when I'm down.


Yesterday, I heard about things that hurt me because there was someone who does (did) not appreciate me for telling her how I truly felt then. I honestly reflected countless times, but all she wanted was to have things her way.

Whatever it is, I just can't be bothered to be in your world of politics anymore. I won't hate you, but I just can't be bothered. I've been keeping alot to myself about this (even after all my ranting) and I can't be assed to continue ranting but you made life REALLY, really terrible for me then. Really.


Today was absolutely wonderful with my closest friends. I treasure every bit of our honesty, and I'll try to improve. Its a little funny to write everything here but I'm sure none of us will forget whatever that was said and heard. Really, the honesty we shared means so much to me.

The world makes me feel like such a naive person.

& I thought everything was getting better. Didn't know people can find fault with you for smiling at them. Thinking about everything makes my head spin, its been stupid of me to be so greatly affected by it. Not everything can go your way, fool. You'll learn it someday.

I was hurt when I knew those smiles probably meant nothing to you at all. Or those messages I used to send. I hope you'll never miss me just because you now have one less person to rant to. You wanted it that way, anyway. You wanted everybody away from me just so you could get what you wanted, didn't you? Glad you got what you wanted. It disturbed me but it won't anymore.

I say I'm naive because I would NEVER have imagined humans would do things like that. Never. Even after the whole episode, I chose to think otherwise. Truth of the matter is, there are people who aren't good in nature even though most are.

路遥知马力, 日久见人心. How apt.



Alright it doesn't make sense for me to be caring that much. I'm all over it afterall. I shouldn't even be typing mean things.

But I won't say goodbye yet. Will you ever change?

From sixbillionsecrets:

I have this one friend who has a lot of problems in her life.
I love her more than anything in this world.
My other friends ask me why I care about a "dumb emo hoe" so much.
It's exactly because of people like them why I love her.


I'm that "dumb emo hoe" wondering who'll love me even if I'm like that.

And in case you're wondering, just because I'm not always emo doesn't mean I'm putting on a facade. I never hid my true feelings so if I'm happy it probably just means I am. Or when I'm sad too. Its just that... I'm sad most of the time.

I don't know how to be simple

I need to actually care for someone. My friends, my family. Those I've let down, those I've ignored, those who love.

It comes without a reason. Today, I found out people don't need to have a reason to love/care for others. Not because cheering someone else makes them happy. Its simply because they want to cheer you up.


But you know, you don't care. You don't, at all.
So I shouldn't care at all, not until you do. Because caring wrecked everything in me. How that happened is unimaginable. How I can let my emotions carry me away, it's unimaginable.

I was thinking about the few friends I've lost (who used to be really important to me but somehow we just don't talk anymore). I wonder if I was the problem, or what happened. It's hard to explain here.


I wish my life was simple. I wish I didn't complicate matters.
I wish I knew what simplicity was. I know its beautiful, but..

I don't know how to be simple.

I hate myself for thinking nobody cares when they actually do.

Maybe some really don't, I know some really don't, but some do. And perhaps it doesn't really matter why they care. It doesn't matter if its only to make themselves glad or not. At least they care enough to make the effort. Who knows, they might care simply because they do.

Three friends have told me that their friend's happiness matter much more than anything else.

I asked another friend whom I've been ignoring abit about why she asked if I'm fine even though I've been so horrible. She said its because she knows I need it.

Another one wrote me a note saying how she understands and I really appreciate it.


I'm not trying to quantify this. I'm just trying to tell myself its stupid for me to still be depressed and not appreciate their efforts by continuing to complain about being unloved.


Maybe they love alot of others besides me. Maybe there are those who pretend to care but don't. Maybe some just don't care.

Maybe I really really don't deserve them. I'm too horrible, now.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking too much.

I can't STAND how quiet I am these days. I can't talk to anybody at all and I'd really rather be alone (and hate the loneliness for awhile after that). Maybe its only because I can't talk to anybody that I dislike being around people... I don't know.

Whatever it is, everything just really sucks right now.

If there's nothing much to say, I'd rather not talk at all.

Even if you're someone I really miss or want to talk to normally.

If you want to know a secret, I always wonder why people mature and think about world issues while I mature but think about my own problems and my own thoughts.

I don't know if that means I'm maturing at all. I choose to think I am.
But am I?

There's something stupid and senseless.

I posted my baby/kid photos on facebook but I feel like deleting them cause I don't want people to think I'm posting them just to get attention. The only reason why I'm not deleting them is because I don't want people to ask.

It'd be too tiring to explain to people via facebook.

Just that I don't know why I'm posting them. It's not the attention I want.

I posted them because that was my first thing on my mind when I saw the photos.


Is that called wanting attention? I don't think so. I only wanted to get some positive comments for once.

I need confidence boosters to be productive.

Because I'm such a perfectionist, nothing I do looks good to me until I think it's at professional level or when somebody professional (somewhat, at least) tells me it's good.

Most of the time I'm wallowing in self pity, wondering what I'm actually really good at. This really sucks.

Strangely, I want to keep that part of me so I can one day be at that level I want to be. Even though I struggle so much emotionally, and most of the time I lose so much confidence I can't even take one step forward.


I'm sick of how many people have told me I have the flair, the capabilities or the potential yet I'm not hitting it because of my time management or how I'm easily distracted.

I'm not sick of them telling me, I'm sick of how I know its (maybe, probably) true but I'll never reach my full potential cause of my inner struggles.

Not living in this world today

I hate how I'm lost in my own world today. Not that kind of "I only want to do what I'm doing, I don't care about anything else around me" kind of lost, but in a scary way.

My actions are all unconscious, and my mind somewhere else. I'm not heartbroken, troubled or moody. I just can't seem to think, I can't process whatever people are trying to say.


During dinner, I finished up the entire (big) plate of vegetables without realizing it. It was only until there were a few stalks left that I realized I haven't left any for my family. It wasn't because I knew I had to save some for others yet I still ate them.

I really didn't know I ate everything up.

I was lost in my own thoughts but I don't remember what I was thinking about, which means they weren't anything particularly sensible.



Why is this happening? I don't feel tired at all. I feel guilty for not doing work but I really can't. How to, when I can't even do normal stuff properly? I want to rest, but I can't. There's a neverending pile of work to do and I'm not completing them.

I'm so screwed but my brain really isn't working. I feel like dying.

Nothing makes any bloody sense

My recent posts don't make sense at all. Nothing here makes sense.


The way I'm behaving don't make sense.

My act of isolating myself and hating being alone afterwards don't make sense.

Horribly senseless that I don't want to talk to people yet I want someone to message me just so I know that someone is thinking of me. The second part is such a horribly insecure act, I can't stand it.

Quite senseless how I say I don't want to talk to people when I actually do.

Just that I don't know who, when and how.
I don't know if anybody wants to listen because everybody's busy and nobody will have the time. I don't have the time either. And guess what, I'm wasting it away because my brain is dead and can't think.

Completely senseless that I know its weird that I think and act the way I do, yet I don't really care.




The fact that I'm writing such senseless stuff is senseless.

The fact that I know it's senseless yet I'm still writing is senseless.


I'm having a hell of a headache AGAIN. Just popped a panadol pill.

No seriously. I don't mind being depressed. I get sad and lonely and I realize how everything's going wrong yet there's nothing we can do about it and how I can never ever do what I want to at any point in time, which makes me depressed. While its a sad thing and I hate the feeling sometimes, I feel less empty this way. & I hate the feeling of emptiness.

Maybe I'm fine with feeling sad, just not lonely. I've been isolating myself from others lately because I enjoy being alone but when it gets too excessive (like when I don't even talk much to my mates) (or when I see myself going everywhere alone most of the time) or when I don't have anybody to share my thoughts with, I feel... sad. I'm confused because I don't know whether I like it or not.


I'll write something better when I know how to put it into words properly. I hate it when this happens. Forget it, I don't have the urge to write all of a sudden. Too many things going on, no idea how to express them cause they're too contradictory and... this just sucks.

I find myself wanting to talk to people like me. People complicated and emotional and cynical what people call slightly strange. I just don't know how to. Not because I want to understand them but... I don't know why.

I don't know how I'm feeling. I don't even feel like talking to anybody about it now. Or maybe I want to. But who? and when?

Shooting stars

Lyrics as straightforward as they can get.

No one seems to think too much of me here
And they're glad to tell it to my face
And they're right I'm not supposed to be here
I'm completely out of place
Somehow there has got to be a reason
Evenings as I try to think it through
There's a bolt from the blue

And I see a Shooting Star
Set apart from all the rest
While the other stars are standing still
He's on a quest
Every night this shooting star
Darts across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why

I feel so much better when it's night-time
That's when I can sort of disappear
When the sun has set in it's the right time
For pretending I'm not here
Sometimes I just stare up to the heavens
Wondering if the answer is inside
That's when I see the light

Of myself that shooting star
On his way to who knows where
He's the one like all the stars
He outshines up there
And the solitary star
Is an awful lot like me
On an endless search through time and space
For a place that won't seem wrong

If we both hang on for long enough
If we both somehow are strong enough
We'll find out where we belong

Ev'ry night this shooting star
Darts across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why

---

A part of me says
I'm feeling like that.

Right now, I don't see any point in living if somebody's suffering so much. I haven't been reading enough to fully understand why many countries don't legalize euthanasia besides the fact that religion plays a very important role. Regarding that, there's something else which leaves me rather confused. The talk by the HCA hospice lady yesterday

(discontinued.

10 april 2012: wonder what i was thinking then)

Someday I'll read this blog again and wonder why I had such senseless thoughts. There must be a reason why the whole world thinks its good to be optimistic and how one should remain strong even when he or she is experiencing the worst kind of pain ever.

I said someday for a reason. Right now, its impossible for me to shake off all the pessimistic thoughts and everything else. My brother says its a phase we all go through, I guess its true.

Its still quite unbelievable that I used to think about all the same stuff as a secondary 4 kid. I read the undelivered letter on the cab to school again this morning and made me realize how all these questions, even after 2 years, are still left unanswered.


My head hurts too much to think. Bloody hurts.

I feel alittle uncomfortable being happy for a few days straight. It stops me from thinking, stops me from being sensitive, stops me from being... me. Actually, I don't know who I am. SO crazy and SO emotional/depressed it kind of confuses me.

I'd rather be sad. It makes me feel. Makes me feel real but its funny how I think I'm not real at those times. I'm so loud, insensitive and empty these days it annoys me.

Its a sin to be happy. Feels like it is.

Lucian Freud must be one of my favourite artists. The other two are marc quinn and edward hopper if I've not missed any.

Naked girl asleep strikes me the hardest, not because its a painting of a naked girl but because she's naked yet she's sleeping facing up, arms apart and totally exposed.

Looking through my 'treasure box' of notes and things collected when I go out with my friends again. They make me miss the old times so much :)

I'm not really in that sentimental mood, but looking through all the notes and cards make my heart feel so warm. & maybe I've really become a more horrible friend, always stuck in my own world and all. I didn't even bother to make many presents or cards last year because.. part of me took these friendships for granted. I'm sorry. My friends have really done alot for me and I don't know what else to say. Just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Reading some undelivered letters (alot of them, in fact) reminded me of my old emo self (just like how I am now, haha) and to much surprise, I used to think about the existence of God, my religion, issues about having a personality, loneliness and being true to myself back in secondary 4.


Cheers to my secondary school life, to the few who are still in contact with me even in jc and my newfound jc friends whom I'm always with. I love you all for all the great times we had and will have. Perhaps we'll all just a little busy, preoccupied with our own lives (and studies) now but I certainly hope our friendship will never die.

Thankyou for everything though I've honestly been a very complicated person who's mostly stuck in my own world.

So going to stay away from this computer the next few days (and use just before I bathe or something). IT WORKS.

To Kaiying, Sarah, Peixuan, Annia. I wonder how life would be without you all. I may not be talking to some of you as often as before, but somehow I've always had you guys in my heart. However random this may be, that's all I want to say. I love you guys. Alot.

I miss my secondary school life so badly. I kind of miss the old me. I don't know what to say, I just miss the old times really badly.

Maybe I'm just ABNORMAL. Yes, that's the right word. I'm abnormal. Freakishly emotional, always depressed. I really can't live in this world, everything about myself OR this world just don't click.

I know you can understand whatever I write here, but there's just so much more that can't be understood about me. As much as I want somebody to be able to. I myself don't understand why I have all these emotional outbursts. I don't know what's with me wanting to be understood these days. I really, really wish somebody could connect some wires to my head and read every single freaking thing about me and talk to me.

If not, just make me disappear from the surface of this earth.

I wasn't like that in the past.

A post to rant about asswipes, dicks, whatever.

There are asswipes on earth. To me, at least. I managed to suppress my anger for a long time until we could finally leave.

All those blabbermouths who think they're always right and others are immoral and whatever shit ought to tape their mouths with duct tape or something. I hate idiots who think they know everything about me and start to go on and on about what isn't even the problem. Its something about their tone too.

What I don't understand is my ability to get so emotional. I actually got pissed off by two strangers who kept on talking to me and how I'm like one of those girls who'll swap my health for beauty (I'm obviously not one), and how I'm hysterical and how I'm too concerned over my studies (yes, you may start laughing). Then he went on about how those other doctors are immoral bastards while whatever he said was totally right and smart and oh-so-moral. Like shut the fuck up man. I can't even remember what he said that pissed me off so bad, cause I wasn't really listening.

I just read something which relates to me so well. There was just this particular post that sort of describes all my feelings, my struggles, and everything else. At the end of the post, it stated how she hopes there will be someone who can actually understand her but she knows nobody ever will.

Reading it, I could understand every single thing she's written and actually relate to it, so why is she saying she knows nobody will ever understand? Why do I feel the same way too? Even though I spend so much time writing down my thoughts, and some people can relate to my words, I know people will never really understand me. Because what I write only shows a portion of my thoughts.

"You, be sane. Don't let my words break you, doubt anyone but yourself. Because yourself are true and real to the heart. You will carry yourself through, and you will look back on an amazing journey. Know yourself, but you already do"

"Don't stop stating facts because you think I'd be hurt. Its not hurt. Its a chance to realize myself, its difficult to find somebody who can be straightforward, can let me think, but not in a rude manner. Don't stop being who you are, because that's what makes you, you. I can't be like that anymore, don't be like me. Continue to influence the people that come your way. That itself is helping"


I wrote the last one, the first one came from someone else. I never really figured if those words were for me, I'm not sure, but they should be. I think it was this post which made my friend say that. I probably deleted some sad emo parts, like I always do. Again, if it was even meant for me in the first place. These came from my diary two years back. I never really "delivered" those words, of course.


I'm reminded of how I used to be one who would please others because I was afraid of arguments. I thought that was the only way then. I've changed alot since. Reading all my past entries made me go, "hey, maybe I still don't really know who I am after all".

Time and time again, I've had people telling me "just be who you are, I found a friend in you because you were yourself". I never figured out why they said I've changed. I thought I've always been myself.

I thought I stayed true to myself this year, I really did. Up till now, I still think I am. Much more than before. Maybe I was trying too hard to please them and changed some things unknowingly.

All these years, the same mistake. Will I ever learn?

Cynical view about marriage

After I watched the "pig of happiness" video below, I stumbled upon a few more videos and clicked on this. "I guess you'll do" sounds like some pretty wise title, don't you think?

It turned out to be one of the most unwise videos ever, done on purpose of course. The video is so painfully honest about so many people in this society; the girl who get boyfriends, get married, have sex, get babies, raise perfect kids, get grandchildren..

...go through the supposed cycle of the life of a woman just so they'll have "something to talk about". With no love involved at all.

I've never imagined life to be that way, because I'm supposed to fall madly in love with my future husband, where all we need is each other and happiness, to talk to each other and understand each other.. it shouldn't even happen if don't appreciate each other for who we are.

The list goes on. In fact, I shouldn't be able to write it out after thinking for only 5 minutes. While I spend the rest of my life thinking (even after I'm married), and thinking and thinking, its time to get to bed.

happy-ness. As simple as that.

I'm sometimes skeptical about being happy and spreading happiness and doing nice stuff to others because its so surface level, and people make others happy because it makes them happy. & I used to think its wrong to do that because you're not doing it for the genuine sake of making others happy.

But as you grow up, you'll learn that things just work that way and we should take a step back and admire things for its simplicity.

Like how simple it is to make someone happy. Like how simple it can be to do a little to cheer others up and everybody up.


Alright, words fail me tonight. But as they say, a picture speaks a thousand words, so a video should make up for my inability to express myself well tonight.

Edward Monkton (click) has pretty cute, simplistic yet insightful words. The video I watched was "the pig of happiness" :)

Spread the joy. or the love.

Though it makes one wonder if that pig ever feel sad?
Would he have to pretend to be happy even when he's sad?

Those who love you accept you for your flaws,
but what if your flaws might hurt them?

I was just thinking about it, and I don't have an answer.

If something about me (the words I say etc.) hurts my friends/family, its best for me to change isn't it? But what if its a part of me that I really want to keep? Do I live for myself or others?


For example, my flaw is my impatience. With that saying, "they accept you for your flaws", it means those who love you will still love you for being impatient. This impatience can make them feel insecure, stressed or whatever. How does it make sense for them to love me despite this?

So you say, maybe they still love you EVEN THOUGH you're impatient. It might mean they love other parts of you. That does not mean they love you for your impatience. They say "real friends love you for you and your flaws". Is that possible?

I accept the fact that its impossible for people to love even my flaws. I know that some will love me even if I have flaws. So what contradicts?

The fact that I've got many flaws and some love me. Do they love my good parts, dislike the bad parts but still love me for my good parts? (which means they're simply ignoring my bad parts)




I understand the phrase "you can't please everyone" and I understand I can't be stubborn and stick to my own values. So I find the balance by reflecting upon what they say and change if I think they're right. What if, after reflecting, I think I'm right but it hurts them and not others?

I can go about the same way with others because it doesn't hurt them, so I don't have to change myself. I should change only when I'm with him/her, while knowing the fact that that would be them not accepting that part of me already? (therefore I'm changing or improving)

That might also mean I'm not being myself in front of them. Because I'm trying to avoid that part of me which hurts them which in turn affects our relationship. I've been myself lately, and I know I've hurt a few too. I now understand why it must be mutual. I can't be the only one changing. We must both find a way to go about it, an equilibrium.

Its tough to be yourself without hurting others, it really is.




I'll also ask myself if I want to change because I want them to love me, or because I love them as well and don't want to hurt them. (sometimes we 'live for others for ourselves right?

Maybe changing it to "those who love you still love you because they are able to live with your flaws" would be better than "those who love you accept you for/and your flaws". Accepting is different from being able to live with it, in my opinion.

I MUST pass my econs for prelims.

I'm probably the bottom in the level now and will need LOADS of catching up. That might be true, but you know what? For once, I'll try to throw that fear away, tell myself I MUST pass econs and work towards it.

I know people will still doubt me, I'll still doubt myself. Maybe I'm still doubting myself. I'll start from making sacrifices. My concentration span is seriously short but I can at least improve?

I thought I was not afraid of what people think about me anymore, maybe I still am. Just that I used to be VERY VERY afraid and now I'm just afraid, like anyone else. We all are. Let us be less afraid.

Those who love you accept you for your flaws,
but what if your flaws might hurt them?

I was just thinking about it, and I don't have an answer.

If something about me (the words I say etc.) hurts my friends/family, its best for me to change isn't it? But what if its a part of me that I really want to keep? Do I live for myself or others?


For example, my flaw is my impatience. With that saying, "they accept you for your flaws", it means those who love you will still love you for being impatient. This impatience can make them feel insecure, stressed or whatever. How does it make sense for them to love me despite this?

So you say, maybe they still love you EVEN THOUGH you're impatient. It might mean they love other parts of you. That does not mean they love you for your impatience. They say "real friends love you for you and your flaws". Is that possible?

I accept the fact that its impossible for people to love even my flaws. I know that some will love me even if I have flaws. So what contradicts?

The fact that I've got many flaws and some love me. Do they love my good parts, dislike the bad parts but still love me for my good parts? (which means they're simply ignoring my bad parts)




I understand the phrase "you can't please everyone" and I understand I can't be stubborn and stick to my own values. So I find the balance by reflecting upon what they say and change if I think they're right. What if, after reflecting, I think I'm right but it hurts them and not others?

I can go about the same way with others because it doesn't hurt them, so I don't have to change myself. I should change only when I'm with him/her, while knowing the fact that that would be them not accepting that part of me already? (therefore I'm changing or improving)

That might also mean I'm not being myself in front of them. Because I'm trying to avoid that part of me which hurts them which in turn affects our relationship. I've been myself lately, and I know I've hurt a few too. I now understand why it must be mutual. I can't be the only one changing. We must both find a way to go about it, an equilibrium.

Its tough to be yourself without hurting others, it really is.




I'll also ask myself if I want to change because I want them to love me, or because I love them as well and don't want to hurt them. (sometimes we 'live for others for ourselves right?

Maybe changing it to "those who love you still love you because they are able to live with your flaws" would be better than "those who love you accept you for/and your flaws". Accepting is different from being able to live with it, in my opinion.

uneasiness hopefully resolved

Recently, my friends pointed out that the way I seem to analyse/read them all the time is a little unnerving. I tend to read people sometimes (sometimes unconsciously), and I enjoy doing that. But if it makes them uncomfortable, I should stop.


Yesterday, there was a tone of extreme displeasure when that point was being brought out to me. It made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and I've never felt that way before. Because somebody is saying I'm wrong to read others, but at the same time I'm interested in how others might think about the same situation.

Up till now, I CANNOT put that feeling into words, and all the confusion in me. Why is it that another person brought up the same point but I didn't feel as uneasy?

When you tried to "read" me but it wasn't accurate at all and kept insisting it was (I questioned myself about the truth in that statement), it confused/offended me. That was what troubled me. I don't know if I had unconsciously done the same to others and offended them.



I just want you to know that I never had any intentions of 'wanting to be superior' or 'invading your privacy', all was about my interest in how well I'm able to try to see things from others' point of view.

I'm sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable, I'll try to stop doing that to you (and it doesn't mean I simply won't tell you). Maybe you did that to let me "taste my own medicine", but for whatever reason, lets just stop here and not make things worse.

We can be better off talking about other things instead :)

My personality is flawed, I've got problems, I don't know if I can accept it. What turned me into this? Sensitive yet insensitive. And a whole list of other things, it'd take me forever to complete.

Why am I like that? Do I make you uncomfortable too?


Why was I faulting people in my previous post? Was I faulting anybody, or was I being plain pessimistic about everything? Confused?

I really want somebody to be able to understand me inside out, understand all my habits, the way I think, my flaws and accept them.

At other times, I don't. Because nobody will be able to. Part of me wants to get stuck in my own shell, another part doesn't want to.

Part of me wants people to leave me alone, another part of me wants them to ask. Thinking too much causes me problems, yet I won't want to lose that part of me. I'll never want to lose that part of me.

Who on earth understands me?

I know that by saying "people usually don't understand me", I'm already putting this force over some people which makes them feel like I think I'm 'superior' to them or something. I used to feel that way towards some in the past, but maybe I understand more now.

At this point, I don't even know if I understand myself. I'm rarely unable to write about how I'm feeling. I'll try, it makes me better. Its disturbing how the words of a person can do that to me. Its not just the words, but my thoughts that come after it that disturbs me.


But I really know many wouldn't be able to understand me. I'm not feeling sad, I'm not being pessimistic, emo or whatever. Just confused. I just want to write out these thoughts to straighten out my thoughts. At least I'll be able to understand myself.

I don't expect anybody to cheer me up, I don't want people to tell me I have no right to be sad because there are people dying in Africa or how I should stop thinking about death or these things when my life is perfectly fine.

My life isn't perfectly fine even though it MIGHT seem like it is to you. Its true that another person in a same situation would be happier than me but our life's made up of how we feel about things.



I'm not saying it in a "you won't understand me, I don't want you to understand me, go away" tone, because if you really do (and have felt the way I mentioned above), please talk to me. I just don't want people to come to conclusions about me.

I'm not rejecting any flaws in me, because I do know I have a very flawed personality. Its not like I can't take these things, or don't reflect.

Its just that sometimes I do know who I seem to be isn't who I am. When someone continually INSISTS that I am who I am actually not, it leaves me extremely disturbed. But when I reflect, I don't know if what they're saying is true or whether I'm really rejecting it. I don't know who I should listen to. Myself, or others?



I know that people might be afraid to speak to me after this because they're afraid they wouldn't understand me. I don't know how to put it either. I'll appreciate any effort to make me feel better, definitely.

Just in case I say I don't want to talk about it, don't feel too bad or force yourself to cheer me up, or tell me I have no reason to be "emo". Or if I'm blunt about it, sorry. I can't be cheered up.



Sometimes, I think I'm bogged down by the "I'm feeling this way, but I don't admit it because its wrong to be feeling this way". I'm always disgusted by who I am, how I behave and how I think sometimes. My personality is flawed. I can be so heartless sometimes.

I do need somebody to talk to. Who understands?

(To my one friend who does, it isn't you (: )

Written words fail us. Very often, in fact.

Spoken words fail us. Less often, but very often too.

I think which one 'fails us more' depends on who you're with. Its like how I can communicate better with some face to face, and better with others through msn or sms.

Maybe we can never express ourselves. Not art, words, or music.
No, we CAN express ourselves, but not truly. Not thoroughly.

Becoming nothing. You will, one day.

People fear death because the idea of becoming nothing is scary.
(this is just one of the many many reasons, of course)


NOTHING. It isn't as simple as the word nothing. Or no thing. Its really nothing, like... not an atom, not a blank white space, not vacuum. Just.. nothing. Nothing isn't like nothingness or the absence of anything, but disappearing. Totally. You can't imagine it because once you imagine, there's already something. Impossible to imagine.

Maybe what alot of people fear is this feeling of turning into nothing. Like, your life is just like... life and it doesn't mean anything much after you die because you'll just disappear from the surface of earth.


I feel nothing about being nothing. (the first nothing meaning I'm "fine" about being nothing, but "fine" isn't really the word)

Okay, so I'll disappear after I'm done with life, so what. My friend says its because I don't exactly have big things I want to do in life, or anything I want to accomplish before I die. I've been thinking about it, and maybe its true. I don't feel as though I'll lose anything even if I die without doing a whole list of things. There just isn't a strong feeling in me which WANTS and NEEDS to do something.


& don't worry, thinking about death isn't being suicidal. Don't worry.

Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

There's this schoolmate of mine who takes the same bus as me. We're nothing closer than schoolmates but we used to be able to sustain random conversations somehow. Not anymore. She waved hi to me, I waved back, smiled and stared straight ahead without a word.

On the bus, I put my bag next to me so she sat on the opposite side. I then heaved a sigh of relief and took my book out to read. Perhaps its rather normal for people to dislike small talks with people they don't know well but.. I wasn't like that in the past.

My junior messaged me to tell me I looked like a depressed zombie in the afternoon and was afraid I would commit suicide.


I just turned 18 and its probably abnormal to feel so lost the next day. Well, rainbows always appear after the storm, don't they? And remembering yesterday's surprise does leave me happier :)

At least I'm feeling alittle more motivated to work and not screw things up.

But you know something? I never really believed in myself.
I'll try to. Try hard to.

(& switch off the computer right after this)